Welcome to Business Talk Sister Gawk! I’m Bekkah! And I’m Ruthie! And today we are doing part two of our series on Relationship Boundaries in Business and we’re going to start off with some information from somebody else actually for once. *both laugh*
Set Your Goals as a Business Owner & Don’t Deviate
Ruthie: Not for once! We cite people! But okay. This quote is from onewomanshop.com and the quote says, “Say ‘no’ to anyone or anything that doesn’t fall into your current priorities.” I think that kind of along that same line of things that we’ve talked about before in the past, knowing what your core values are as a business. Then setting the goals that you want to work towards as a business. How do those partnerships with people, those relationships with people, align with those priorities that you have.
You Don’t Have to Be Connected to Everyone, Be Selective and Intentional
You don’t have to have close business relationships with everyone in every different field. You can say, “You know this is really not something that aligns with my priorities or this project that they want me to take on or something like that is not necessarily in alignment with what I want to be doing.” And it’s okay to say “no” to that.
Bekkah: Yeah and especially if you know what your goals are. I mean, it’s good to have core values but if you say, “This is where my business is going,” you have to keep consistent about getting there. If you deviate and take on things that don’t necessarily make sense it could be a really poor spot especially if it’s something that’s going to be long-term instead of just a short-term project.
Ruthie: And it’s okay to make pivots in your business and pursue other things but if you’re constantly making pivots like every single day. “Now I’m going to do this! And now I’m going to do this! And I’m going to do this!” That doesn’t make you look like a very –
Bekkah: Consistent.
Ruthie: Consistent person or really someone who really is going towards something. It’s not even what you look like it’s what you’re actually doing. You’re throwing yourself all over the place in the trajectory of your life. Having those goals and knowing what you’re pursuing is so important. Those goals can change. That’s okay but having those things set in place and knowing this is what I’m pursuing is really important so then you can very clearly draw that line in the sand. This is where I’m going and I’m not going to take that step towards that because that’s just not where I’m at.
Avoid Trying to “Make Friends” With Everyone & Pick People Who Match Your Values
Bekkah: I think it’s really valuable to understand like Ruthie was talking about, you don’t have to be best friends with everyone and I think that that’s something that especially social people struggle with,
Ruthie: Guilty.
Bekkah: You don’t have to be best friends with everyone! That’s not professional either in a lot of ways so understanding what other people value is essential. Whether that person’s value system is consistent with your own is also very important. It’s okay to work with people who don’t have the same value system in certain areas. However, if that person is so inconsistent with your own that it poses a problem you need to have that boundary.
Know What Level of Friendship You Want to Have Outside of Business With Others
What I mean by that is some people take their personal life and inject it into their business and expect things from you that you should not be doing. I’m going to try not to be very specific in that because I’ve had lots of those situations but I do know some people where they worked with somebody and then afterward that person has said, “Hey, do you mind also picking up my kids?” Or things like that and it’s like, “You know, that’s not what you were working on at all! I mean, if you’re my friend I’d have no problem with it, but that just is very unprofessional.”
Understand what that person is about. Talk with people and understand who they are. Ask them questions, “What is your family like?” I mean in those situations it’s good to self-disclose a little bit, “Do you live in the area?” Allowing yourself to reciprocate relationship is a natural part of building trust. Psychologically, if someone self-discloses it creates more likability of that person. It’s okay to disclose some information, right? Some personal information, but you don’t need to put everything out there.
Ruthie: If you’re ever feeling pressured to self-disclose, it’s really important to step back and say, “Why is this happening? Why do I feel pressured in this situation? Is it because I feel like they don’t need to know? Or is it because this is a sensitive topic for me?”
Maybe they don’t know it’s a sensitive topic for you. Maybe they’re not trying to pressure you but it’s okay to step back and reevaluate, “I don’t want to share this.” You can say that. That is an okay thing to say, “You know, I don’t really want to share that.”
Understand When More Self-Disclosure Can Be a Good Thing
Bekkah: I think it’s important in your boundaries for relationships to understand that some people are more relational in their question asking than other people. When I was younger I used to have people ask me all the time, “Do you have kids?” And I would be like, “No, I don’t!” But some people would take that very offensively and say, “I can’t believe you would assume that about me!”
Evaluate The Situation Before Getting Offended
You guys, just take a step back and realize that they’re just trying to be nice and get to know you. It’s not all about their intentions or stereotyping you into something. Don’t take that offensively but find a way to create a positive relationship that is on a different avenue. One of my responses to that was, “No, but I have a dog!: And talking about that instead. “Do you like animals?”
Set Boundaries in Who You Accept Business Feedback & Advice From
Those are okay things to do in forming those relationships. Now we’re going to go into that aspect of sharing a little bit about your business with the right people. It’s important to seek wise counsel about your business, but you don’t need to seek wise counsel from everyone. You need to know what to share and with whom.
Ruthie: Recently I was thinking about this randomly while I was washing windows. I was like, “Huh. You know, I don’t think that it’s a good idea if you have kids someday to ask advice from every single person about how you should parent.” Because you’re inviting every single person that you ask to be a voice in how you should parent. You’re just inviting this opinionated flow of what you should do and what you shouldn’t do all the time and that can really be crippling.
Bekkah: Very stressful!
Ruthie: Yeah and you’re trying to please all these different people all the time! The same thing applies to business. You don’t have to ask every single person all the time what you should be doing.
Bekkah: We just need to also come back to your identity is not in other people’s approval.
Ruthie: Yeah.
Bekkah: You do not need to function your business off of what other people say your business should be doing. If you do that, you will go under!
Ruthie: And go crazy!
Bekkah: Yeah! I’m not even kidding! I’ve seen so many people that have taken bad advice from somebody else –
Ruthie: Trying to please them.
Bekkah: Trying to please them because they said, “Oh, well, this person said that I should do this!” I love this example “You should have pizza at your ice cream shop.” Like, “No. Thank you for your advice but, no.” It’s okay to say, “You know what? That’s not on brand. That’s not our focus, but thanks for the thought!” Or if it’s a good idea, “You know what? That’s a good idea but not right now, because we’re not ready for that.” And it’s okay to store those ideas away. But when you have a business everyone’s going to be more than willing to tell you what you should be doing in life.
How to Select Those You Should Seek Business Guidance From
Ruthie: How do you select those wise people to seek counsel from?
Bekkah: Well, I think it really comes back to measuring their performance in life. Do they have experience, first of all? And is that experience in just relationships with other people? Or are they good at business? Do they know a lot about business? Or have they learned a lot from other people? It doesn’t necessarily mean that you shouldn’t ever take advice from someone that’s never done business. I don’t mean that at all.
I do mean that in choosing those mentors you don’t just walk up to random people and start gushing about how you need help and have them counsel you through it. Absolutely not, right?
We’re going to transition into people that are making comments about your business or just about you that make you feel uncomfortable. Especially, as you go to different places or you start networking with other people. Honestly, there’s a lot of people out there that don’t have great intentions.
I’ve heard this from other people a lot that sometimes people will tell you your business is going to fail on purpose because they don’t want you to start your business. And that could be because it takes your time and that takes away from their time with you. Be aware of people’s comments and how they make you feel and start asking questions about their intentions in that. Ruthie can speak a little bit more to that in a little bit of a different way as well.
Be Comfortable Asking “Why” When Someone Crosses a Boundary Line
Ruthie: I think, specifically, how I’ve seen this play out is that I’m a woman in business and there are sometimes when people make comments that you’re not really comfortable with. It’s like, “Why? Why would you ask that?” And I think it is okay to ask them that. “What are your intentions in asking me that question?”
Bekkah: I think another I’m going to just chime in on this. We actually had a little bit of mentorship from Thea Dudley. I love doing podcast interviews with people because afterward, we get to hang out for a little bit and talk. One of the things she’s very clear about is calling out people who are dragging other people down.
This is really common. If somebody’s not there and then somebody says something about them and it might not be the kindest thing. When you say, “What did you mean by that?” Or, “Hey, that was not okay to say. I don’t care if you like that person or not. You shouldn’t talk like that about people.”
Ruthie: I think there’s a fine line here – don’t take offense to every single thing. Joel, Joel is great and always tells me that I cannot take offense on other people’s behalf.
Bekkah: My husband.
Ruthie: Oh, yeah. Joel, Bekkah’s husband, tells me that a lot. It’s true because I care very deeply about other people and so when someone says something bad about them I get offended on their behalf and that’s not my place. I can’t feel someone else’s feelings for them. Maybe they wouldn’t have even cared if someone said that.
There’s a fine line of not taking every single comment and being offended by it but then also acknowledging, “Wow!” and digging deeper, “Why did you say that? What was your heart in that? What was the purpose of that?” And sometimes people will completely back down, “Oh, no, that’s not what I meant,” and then you can dialogue more about that, but that’s part of being self-aware and part of allowing other people to be self-aware, too. “You said this and this is what it made me think and I’m questioning why you would say that.”
Bekkah: Those kinds of boundaries though, we’re talking about those specifically within business because we’ve seen them play out. Especially in smaller communities where a lot of businesses work together. It’s important, especially within referring business to one another, that you’re aware of how words can affect other people and affect their business, too. That’s why we talk about that. We see that as valuable because a lot of people depend on other people in an economy.
Set Boundaries in How You Represent Yourself
The next thing we want to talk about is setting boundaries for yourself in how you represent yourself. I know we’ve talked about this in branding and stuff but what you’re wearing and even what you smell like is a part of this too. I find that we laugh about it, but this is something that we learned really early on.
We’re going to go back to 4-H here. There was this career day that they put on for us one time. They really hyped on the fact,”If you show up to a job interview and you have so much cologne on the interviewer can barely breathe that’s a problem.” That’s important like what is that boundary?
Ruthie: I was just thinking about how one time we went on this youth trip. This is my senior year of high school and we had a lot of teenage boys who just did not understand the concept of hygiene. So I literally stood outside the bus with a stick of deodorant and made them each put on deodorant before they got into the bus. I was like, “I am not driving 16 hours on a bus with you if you smell rank.” So anyway, scent! It does matter!
Bekkah: She draws boundaries for herself about what she’s putting herself into. Okay so in terms of the clothing you wear, seriously, though, there’s a difference in how people will treat you bases on how you dress. I think that this goes for both men and women. The clothing that you wear matters.
Understand What You Wear Impacts How You Represent Your Business
Wearing a shirt that has profanity on it or just showing up ill-prepared with stains all over their clothing in a tank top does not scream respected business owner. I’m sorry but that’s representing something about you and how you want people to treat you. Ruthie had another quote that she’s going to read for us.
Ruthie: Yeah this is from theproductivityzone.com and it says, “A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” Know what are your clothing boundaries are. And that looks like saying, “This is something that I will not wear if I’m going to go into a business interview or going to do a pitch or something like that. This is the kind of thing that I will not wear.”
Bekkah: Yeah and I think it’s important – I don’t know why but I end up looking like I have a librarian-themed closet.
Ruthie: That’s because you do!
Bekkah: I do.
Ruthie: It’s great. Love that. That’s definitely your style and it works well for you.
Bekkah: Either that or I just look like Steve Jobs.
Ruthie: Black shirt and jeans.
Bekkah: Turtleneck all the time. So what is it that you’re wearing right now and what would you be okay with? Is it something that you’d be okay with on the front page of the news?
Ask Yourself , “Would You Be Okay With Your Actions Being Featured on The News?”
Ruthie: Whether that’s what you’re wearing or what you’re talking about, would you be okay with that plastered on the front page of the news?
Bekkah: And that is a boundary that a lot of people don’t even realize until they get into business. There are a lot of people that do business in a way that is not ethical and sometimes people will ask you to do things that you might not feel comfortable doing. It is okay to come back to that person and say, “That’s not something I ever want to be a part of.”
Also, what platforms are you okay communicating with people on? This is really important for your business and for your personal life having those boundaries in between and Ruthie’s going to talk a little bit more about it.
Set Boundaries on The Time You Can or Cannot Work on Your Business
Ruthie: Yeah. I know we talk a lot about time management but that is a huge part of owning a business. Especially small businesses but any business, honestly. Knowing, “Okay, I’m okay with people texting me,” or, “I’m not okay with people texting me. I’m okay with people calling me from this time to this time.” And then being respectful to your clients and to the other people that you’re partners with and saying, “These are my boundaries. This is when I will respond to texts. This is when I will not respond to your emails.”
Acknowledge when you’re okay with responding to your personal messages. If you’re doing stuff during the workday – this is also something that theproductivityzone.com talked about. During your workday, you shouldn’t be responding to personal calls and texts. Or maybe you ARE okay with that. That’s a boundary that you need to set for yourself.
Clearly Communicate Your Time Commitment Boundaries to Others
We’re not going to sit here and tell you what you can and can’t do, but know what you’re okay with because then when people are like, “Well, you didn’t respond to my emails!” It’s like, “Yeah, because you sent it at four in the morning on a Saturday. I’m not going to respond to your email.” Know that and then clearly communicate that with other people because then they shouldn’t get offended. You’ve told them already and so now they’re the one crossing the line.
Bekkah: I think that’s actually something we talked a little bit about in one of our first episodes, creating good policies. You need to create policies that are okay being flexible but knowing that you’re probably going to add more policies as your business grows. Sometimes you’re going to take policies out that you’re like, “Oh, just kidding. In certain situations this is okay,” or whatever.
It’s okay to have a policy that says, “I am not okay with accepting calls after this time period. It’s just a policy I have. It’s out of respect for my family.” And people need to be okay with that. In Ruthie’s situation, she doesn’t have kids right now but it’s okay to still say that.
Ruthie: “This is for my kids.” *laughs* Maybe not lie and say “I have kids.” That could cause problems down the road.
Bekkah: No, yeah. *Both laugh* Be aware of your surroundings and the situations that you put yourself in because there are things that if you say “yes” to today could harm your business in the future. For example, offering delivery of a product. When you start getting thousands of orders are you really going to be able to maintain all of that delivery by yourself?
Stick to Your Boundaries To Avoid Under-delivering on Your Promises
If you make an exception for a few people there is an expectation set and they’re going to be upset if you change. But if you do have to change and you’ve said, “You know, I’m sorry that wasn’t profitable for our business. We’re going to be doing this instead and here’s why and this is how we’re going to serve you better.” There are ways you can go about that politely.
Ruthie: And clearly communicate that. Whether you send out a mass email or whether you have specific verbiage that you say to every single person that calls in – be consistent in your response. Along that same line of how things fluctuate, know what phase your business is in.
If you are in a startup, startups take a lot of time and it’s important to communicate that with your loved ones. Like, “This is where I’m at right now. It’s going to take a lot more of my time.” Maybe you’re spending 12 hours a day on it or whatever but communicate to them, “It’s not always going to be this way.”
Bekkah: Yeah and that comes back to, we talk about this a lot but long-term versus short-term gratification. Especially at the beginning, you’re going to need to sacrifice some things in your personal life to get something off the ground and the people around you need to be okay with that. And if they’re not okay with it maybe you shouldn’t be doing that right now. And that’s an okay thing to decide. When you set those boundaries for yourself it’s going to set your personal and professional life up for success.
Set Boundaries on Your Expectations of Other People
The last thing we’re going to talk about is about evaluating your expectations of other people and doing that often. What I mean by that is you shouldn’t be expecting someone else’s business that’s providing you a service or maybe you’re working with them to respond to you in a time frame that is just truly not practical for them and their schedule.
You shouldn’t be demanding that of other people. Ruthie and I deal with this all the time with one another. I have so many ideas and then I don’t have control over every waking moment of Ruthie’s day and I shouldn’t! Recognize that a lot of times one of the reasons business owners went into business to begin with was because they like control.
If you try to micromanage people that are not even your employees, let alone if you’re doing that to your employees, that is just unprofitable, by the way, but you’re going to lose respect with those people. You don’t need to know what they’re doing with all of their time if they get back to you and get the job done in a timely manner.
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